How To Trust Illness

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As I am sitting on a plane flying home from a meditation retreat centered around loving, I am weeping. Surely the young guy next to me is wondering what the heck is going on. It is kind of that ugly cry too…when the only tissue I have is sort of disintegrating and snot is everywhere. Thank god I have a window seat. Having spent 4 days immersed in Loving can crack a person open. So sitting here cracked open, my heart tender, I am wondering about this whole business of love. It won’t let me go. “Can you love it all” it asks?

Yes.

There is not another way. I will love it all. It has allowed me to be present for my clients. It has allowed me to find forgiveness. It has allowed me to love myself when I make poor decisions. It soothes the inner voice that pipes up when I really screw something up. Loving is what sits with me while I vulnerably open my heart to my lover while convinced I might shatter into a thousand pieces from fear. And what I know so far: loving keeps upping its game. As I widen the container of my loving, I am required to keep opening, deepening, and trusting my own heart and path. As I ask my clients to open their hearts to the idea that loving disease is an option, I am required to as well. This is not for the faint-hearted. It is for the courageous. The path of loving will widen your horizon of what you thought you could handle and then ask you to keep going. It will cast light on all that blocks your divine nature so your loving nature may come forward. All with a very fabulous payoff: happiness, abundance and joy. I weep because it is so simple to love and so difficult to be a human who is loving all the time.

I think the act of loving is a bit like laying down on a very busy highway and unzipping the covering of our hearts. It is so immense in its requirements of us, it has to get big like that. It grabs a hold of us. Sometimes in the form of a heart attack. Or autoimmune disease. Or natural disaster. Or betrayal. The vulnerability of trusting our disease, our life, our tenderness, our heartbreak, our sheer fear of suffering. It seems enough to make us all go running for the hills. How can we possibly do this? How can we put 100% trust in loving our life and not have a clue as to how it will turn out? How can we lay down each day and unzip our hearts and say “Ok life. I am here. Lets do this”? And yet I do. And I ask you to do this too. I even go one step further and say true health actually starts in this vulnerable place. The place we don’t know how it will turn out. The place I don’t know if anyone will be healed. Because when we do this, we invest in our life. And our path. And our hearts. It is an act of love to trust our life. One of the very biggest acts of love we can do as humans, is to trust our lives. And when we do, a deeper wisdom immediately comes forward. But we must jump off without a parachute to get to this place. We must lay down on the highway and unzip our heart. We must invest in the idea that everything is here to help and teach us. We get this choice as humans. I watch myself go into the forest of love, each time more tender-hearted than the time before, and I risk it all for love. I do. Because I am worth the risk. And the more I do this, the less attached I become to the outcome of how my life will turn out and more focused on being fully invested in trusting that I can walk in and out of that forest. I can keep uncovering the beauty inside myself doing this. I can find peace on that journey. Something wise and kind fashioned each of our journeys with our best interests in mind. And now I will never stop walking in and out of that forest because there is wisdom is in the walking. And each step I take awakens me to the divine nature inside myself. I know this to be true because my life is lighter. My joy is deeper. I am happier. I feel more calm. I enjoy everything more. I am able to love struggle. I am able to love more.

Let me give an example of how this kind of path has shaped me.

I used to live in a lot of fear rooted from experiences in my childhood. All of this was a perfect set up for wisdom. Fear of germs, fear of abandonment, fear of dying, fear of failing, fear of the guy not liking me. It was a friggin energy suck. Exhausting. I was tired all of the time. My guard was constantly up. I was always waiting for the disaster. But everyone around me seemed to be the same, so I had no idea there was another option. Until I was asked to lay down on the highway and unzip my heart when my life completely fell apart. But, I wanted everyone to tell me before I laid down, that it would be ok. I wanted assurances that it was worth it to trust my life. I wanted to know there was healing at the other side. I wanted someone to come with me. I wanted a hand to hold while traveling into the darkness. But I did not get any. The very place love was calling me to required me to travel there completely on my own. Life was asking me to be fearless. Life was asking me to be fearless for myself.

So of course, I laid down. The suffering was too agonizing not to. (Suffering is so tricky like that! It helps us choose love!) I unzipped my heart. It was not smashed by truck. It was put back together. And so for me the first time I was asked to trust what was present in my life, it was gut-wrenchingly hard. But it changed everything as only love can. Love is not bound by time and space, so it can change everything in an instant. It can change the course of our lives, our health, our dna.

So when I ask a client to fully trust what life is presenting, I have a lot of compassion. I know what it is like to be asked to be fearless. I wake up and dedicate myself to this process as I ask you to do. I openly cry so often from the tenderness of life, it is pretty much a joke with my friends. I also laugh a whole heck of a lot more in this loving business. I find myself pondering our humanness more often than not. And I sit in the bathtub most nights asking for more. More loving please.  That is the place of healing. Not in the results or the outcomes or seeing the healing miracles (although loving is the place miracles come from). The healing is in the trust. The healing is in our hearts. The healing is in the journey we take to believe we are worth our own fearlessness.

I am still weeping by the way. The guy next to me has relaxed a bit. The flight attendant brought me tissues, complimented me on my earrings and the lady behind me is pushing on my seat and wedging her Toms shoes up at my elbow. They were sold out of the beef jerky (dang!!) and I ate sweet potato chips for dinner. But the sky lit up burnt orange and pink as I looked out the window and wrote this. And tomorrow I get to go to my job of loving all of you. Because I do it for myself. And we do this together, always. We meet there, together.

13 Comments

  1. Avatar Stephanie Brockway February 5, 2015 at 5:11 pm

    Jessica, I’m sitting here blubbering away as I read this. You always know just what to say, at just the right time. Sending you a big hug. 🙂 Thank you.

    Reply
    1. Jessica Jessica February 6, 2015 at 6:55 am

      You are welcome. Sending you a big hug too. Thank you for the support as always! miss you! xo-jessica

      Reply
  2. Avatar Anonymous February 5, 2015 at 5:21 pm

    Wow! Jessica, now you have me crying! Your posts always speak so clearly, truthfully, as if you’re writing to exactly what I am needing to hear, and to exactly what I am going through. They just seem to cut through to what is truth! Thank you!

    Reply
    1. Jessica Jessica February 6, 2015 at 6:56 am

      You are welcome! I am dedicated to the cause (lol! the loving) and I am glad it comes through on these posts. Sending you a squeeze! xo-jessica

      Reply
  3. Avatar jamie February 5, 2015 at 8:58 pm

    I needed that! Thank you.

    Reply
    1. Jessica Jessica February 6, 2015 at 6:57 am

      Glad it was helpful Jamie! xo-jessica

      Reply
  4. Avatar Jean February 6, 2015 at 4:58 am

    Thank you for writing this. It is just what I needed to hear at this moment. Especially resonating with me is the paragraph where you talk about fear, because that is where I am at the moment. I’m trying to wrestle something good out of the bad health experience I have been going through and trying to find peace. And the part about wanting someone to hold your hand and tell you it was going to be ok and no one does. The feeling of absolute loneliness/abandonment in suffering hit me like a brick wall. I will continue to seek peace, thank you again.

    Reply
    1. Jessica Jessica February 6, 2015 at 6:59 am

      Jean, thank you for such a lovely comment. It can be so scary. But the other part is that the love of the universe is with us all the time, and the letting go to trust our life lets that flood in. We just can see it like a live person. lol! I really appreciate your lovely comment. Thank you xo-jessica

      Reply
  5. Avatar pauline February 6, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    Hi
    That is one of the most beautiful and profound writings I have ever read. At 57 and not easy road road behind me (although in perspective of millions of others a blessed road) I am gradually coming to this place of trust. It is the answer. I am so excited for the future. I also believe that every single thing we are given opens our hearts and minds if allow it. You are a very special person Jessica. I will read this over and over. My heart is joyful. Thank you 🙂 x

    Reply
    1. Jessica Jessica February 6, 2015 at 4:13 pm

      Pauline, I am in tears reading your note, so thank you. We all prop each other up. We all hold each others hand. I am happy that in this case, I get to hold yours. Thank you for such a lovely comment. xo-jessica

      Reply
  6. Avatar pauline February 7, 2015 at 3:42 am

    Thanks Jessica :-).

    Reply
  7. Avatar Lesley February 9, 2015 at 10:29 pm

    Thanks so much for your honesty. It is a breath of fresh air. the idea that loving disease is quite unique, but it is better than complaining about disease and feeling a victim.

    Reply
    1. Jessica Jessica February 10, 2015 at 4:36 am

      Lesley…even that awareness you just mentioned “but it is better than complaining about disease and feeling a victim” can change the course of our lives. Once the awareness surfaces, then it opens the space for something different to take hold in our lives that serves us in a more cooperative way. I see this so often now, and I really appreciate you pointing it out in such a beautiful way like you did in this comment. Thank you. xo-jessica

      Reply

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