A Story About My Loving

Auto Immune Paleo, Blog

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“Your relationship to your circumstances either frees you or keeps you in chains”. That was a central theme of my last in my last post You Don’t Have to Be An Autoimmune Warrior. That philosophy can hold true for any situation really. Addressing the relationship you have to your disease can change life in an instant (and that includes your body). Here is an example of how I recently did this with my own circumstance. And when I did, I found joy, contentment and healing. I get asked a bit about what The Loving Diet is…at its essence it is loving yourself. But that can be a vague concept, so here I share my own example.

I had a personal event recently where I realized I have been keeping myself in chains. I am going to share it with you so you can see how “Loving what ails you is the quickest way out of it,” and see if there something in your life you could practice it with. I realized I had a very deep belief that I don’t know how to find love. You may believe you don’t know how to find healing.  Beliefs are things we decide about our life from events of some kind. Beliefs sit in our energy field and block the joy of who we are. We resolve beliefs through forgiveness and love. I have an entire career around love. I mediate and pray regularly about it, and it is also my spiritual practice. And yet I have a belief that I don’t have the ability to find a healthy, wonderful relationship. I have spent a lot of time saying “why can’t I get this right?” I have done loads of forgiveness statements, h’opononono and attempts to manifest this in my life. I could easily take the perspective that life is against me, (and I have) much like how you feel right now about your disease.  When we want answers it is easy to find ourselves at a crossroads that can contain doubt, fear, anger and confusion. But doubt, fear and anger often provoke us to say to ourselves “this isn’t working. I am going to try to find another way” and that opens the door to resolve and grow! Those are the very things I feel gratitude for because those can be way-showers as it ultimately was the case for me.

When we awaken to the wisdom of how we ‘work our issue is the issue’,  often it is very subtle. I have been working on this issue for most of my life. It started most likely when my mother and father split when I was 6 and I made up the belief that love was too scary to feel since I was completely heartbroken my mother left and then my father raised me. Now I take the perspective that my mother was a loving teacher who helped me understand this was actually not true. But at 6, it was a powerful experience.

The crux of what I do, of what I offer to you in The Loving Diet, is to love the part of you that stumbling. Love the part of you that is hurting. Love the part of you that you think is mucking everything up. That when we love those parts of ourselves, we heal. I did this, and it immediately freed me. I kept trying to FIX my problem. So I stopped trying to fix the part of Me that I saw as wounded, un-evolved, desperate and arrogant. I just decided to love her. I imagined what she looked like and got a really good picture of her in my head and I conjured up immense love and gratitude for her. Then, I decided to place all my energy about getting the relationship I want into loving her instead. And that was when I felt the shift. When I did that, I stopped needing life to be different because I became focused on ‘how much can I love that part of me?” and that is an action, not a fixing. I moved out of lack, worry, and judgement of the timing of my love life and instead stayed right with the focus of loving the part of me that I considered the problem. I re-framed the whole issue from “I need to fix this” to “my only job is to love the part of me not getting this right.” It moved me more into the wholeness of who I am. When I realized this part of me is worthy of the love and I felt compassion and tenderness for the part of me that ‘can’t get this right’, it ushered in wholeness. It resolved the issue. It brought me immediately into cooperation. Sort of like finding the bully in the classroom and instead of punishing them, decided instead you are going to love them. And then the bully melts into a big pile of mushy love because the bully was really just a scared kid who forgot they were worthy of love. That is healing. So you could put the bully into a special class for kids who need remediation. Or formulate a strict set of rules for the bully. Or you could full-heartedly love the bully and wrap your arms around the bully and hold their hand and tell them they never have to be alone again. Not only does that feel good, it instantly transforms the bully. We have gotten messages in life that healing is a process. A formula. I am suggesting a new formula called: Love the Part of You Struggling which is immediate and instantaneous. Love the parts of you struggling if you are wanting to heal your body. For most of my life I have kept the part of me that ‘can’t figure out relationships in a special compartment away from the ‘fabulous’ me. Then I decided that part was actually fabulous too. All she needed was love. The action of loving her was the healing and teaching. It was the resolution. When I put the final piece in place, an immediate calm took over and joy started flooding in. The very thing blocking me was the stepping stone to resolving it. And illness is your opportunity. Illness is your opportunity to resolve something in your life not working. Illness is a path you can use for your own wisdom and growth by having a willingness to see it as a wisdom-shower and not a destroyer. Here’s how my internal dialogue went:

I don’t know how to pick available men.

Oh that is so frustrating. WTF is wrong with you?

You may go your whole life lonely

Wow, so embarrassing

Probably a lot of available men you have turned away from because they are ‘too’ healthy

Men who are healthy and available are not very exciting

Whoa. What a set up for failure and unhappiness. You are doomed.

I have no idea how to change this

Trying harder doesn’t work. I keep trying harder and it is just not working at all

I can’t trust myself

I can’t trust my life to give me happiness because I don’t even know how to recognize it in a healthy relationship

Whoa. This is so embarrassing, painful and un-evolved

So…yeah it goes on and on. Pretty dismal, right? You may resonate with inserting your own story about healing somewhere in there…

But them something different happened. And it went something like this:

Oh, well this sucks and is hard. But I have the ability to love, right?

Yes, Jessica. You know how to love.

So what if I stop trying and just start loving the love-desperate part of me? What would that feel like?

What if I just focus on loving the part of me that can’t figure this out?

What if all this time the part of me that is mucking everything up just needed my loving?

Probably. You have been judging the part of you ‘messing up’ your love life.

What if I stopped trying to change her and just stayed still and loved her?

Now, every time I feel the question “when is my love coming?” emerging,  I instead will re-frame it to “this is my signal to love the part of me that feels like it is never coming“….

Immediately I felt better. I felt calm, centered and the struggle instantly disappeared. My circumstances did not change, but how I felt about them did. And that is freedom. The thousand pound weight is suddenly gone. A part of myself I have been pushing away, trying to fix, and judge just got invited into my heart.  like I had a new friend, new ally, new part of myself that I could love. Because I have been trying to figure out a way to ‘think’ myself out of this for my whole life. Evolve myself out of it. Enlighten myself through it. All the while I had a part of myself I judged that ‘couldn’t get it right’. So I have spent A LOT, a lot, a lot of time trying to FIX HER. This is when we reach outside of ourselves to fix our problems. What I thought was a fix-problem was actual a love-problem. This all boils down to life asking us: to love the places inside ourselves that we are judging.

The truth is that when I LOVE instead of FIX the damaged part of myself, I feel relief. I feel joy. It dissolves conflict about a part of me that is not working. It ends me needing to fix anything. Eventually, I will get to where I need to go with love. I bring myself closer to cooperation and wholeness because love = cooperation. Cooperating gets us into alignment. Disease a a misalignment of some kind. Love is a tool to place you into alignment. Will it fix our bodies? I have no idea. Will it fix my love life? I have no idea. But it is my belief that it is the quickest route to feeling joy, happiness and calm. So while I let the universe plan the timing of my love life, or the healing of my body, I will be enjoying life more. I will be loving more. I will be expanding abundance more. All while my circumstances remain the same. Actually, changing how we feel about our lives is the quickest way of changing our physical reality too..so who knows what may change when you love all your parts.

I thought this little ditty worth sharing. It is not about Hashimoto’s or Lupus. But often when I hear other people’s stories of love and vulnerability, it helps me to re-frame my own struggle. I hope my story may help you. As I heal, you heal and the world heals. As I have the courage to do it for myself, it may help you feel the courage to do it for yourself. And then it all becomes about the loving. Always about the loving. xx


  1. Karen Gerlach

    Great words Jess!! Really well written and inspirational….

    • Jessica

      love you Karen xx-jess

  2. Andrea Baron

    Thanks for sharing and for the wake up call…. We often focus on the negative side of us instead on focus on accepting and love who we are with all our imperfection!

    • Jessica

      Thank you Andrea xx

  3. Michelle

    When I regained consciousness after a grand mal seizure, coma, and neurosurgery my first thought was: “I am defective.” I never listened to that voice, just pushed the remark aside and tried to make up for the time I lost in hospital and convalescing. I stopped only for a moment whilst reading “When the Body Says NO” but it was about AI/love issues not brain so I didn’t relate as readily. After four long years of recovery, searching, and meditation, and AI suspicions, it came to me: “I hate myself.” And that brought me to tears. Thank you for crossing my path as I come to learn the lesson I have overlooked for a lifetime. It helps to have company on the journey.

    • Jessica

      Hi Michelle! I am so happy to read your comment. Thank you for sharing it and also for sharing about your journey. xx-jessica


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