I saw this quote today:
“Good Health Depends on Good Choices”
I tried that. For like 25 years.
I think it is a total load of crap.
I tried to be good. And then I tried to make everything around me good.
And I became controlling and almost OCD. In my efforts to have a good diet, good attitude, good life, good mothering….I was as sick as I had ever been, my marriage fell apart, my husband left me and I became obsessive about germs. I held tightly to an accepted social template that society determined was ‘good’. And we see this template EVERYWHERE. There is no lack of people telling you how to be good. Eat good. Heal good. Everywhere.
Eat ancestral. Eat Paleo. Don’t social media too much. Eat bacon. Don’t eat bacon. Exercise ‘this much’ . Don’t eat sugar. Eat this kind of sugar. Pray to this god. Meditate this much. Wear these yoga clothes. Have this kind of relationship. Drive this kind of car. Save this much money a year. Find this kind of doctor. Follow this AIP template. Only trust these people. Take this webinar to be insta-famous.
It is crazy town. Crazy.
So I stopped. And I decided to sit in my own muck and stay there. And use my own internal compass to decide how to heal. And I realized that the fray of the outside messages kept me distracted from trusting my own internal compass. That was a startling wakeup call. I had no internal compass that I trusted because I was so dependent on others telling me how to do life and healing.
The very message that promised salvation to heal, be happy and like life was not based in the truth of who I was, which is: I am already divine.
It turned out that uncovering the beliefs I held about my divinity were key to healing my body. Sitting in my muck I had to own the belief I did not deserve love and belonging. That belief separated me from my divinity. So I worked on things like that in the muck. And when I did, my body healed. Then my life felt different. I stopped caring if I was good or perfect. I only focused on if I was loving toward myself in every possible state.
The most uncomfortable place I have ever sat is in my own muck. Whether or not I made a ‘good healing choice’ completely disappeared. The only way to heal was to love me in its messed up state. Completely. There, in that vulnerable, no-instruction-booklet place, I found peace. My muck helped me love myself in a totally lost state.
Go toward the muck.
There is healing there.
You do not have to be good, strict or spiritual to heal. When we sit in the discomfort and love ourselves, healing happens.
It is the place of miracles.
And then all that noise, all those crazy messages about how to be “good’ were the liberators. They were the way out.
We cannot mess this up.
Loving will have its way.